Hard Times for Haggis (transcript)
Episode: Hard Times for Haggis episode begins in the city, and then it pans over to Haggis's castle-like mansion. Narrator: This is a story about the man, not just any men, but the giant and a massive man. His home, a monument to his greatness. And enormous brawling testimony to his countless achievements. Big, isn't it? Surrounded by the massive splinter as a tend. He sits alone, waiting. See how he waits. Waiting to suck of the wine of its' toils. Shhh, listen. was waiting. Haggis look at the clock and starts to wait. His Scottie dog Whacky is nervously sweating. The clock suddenly rings loudly like a fire alarm. Haggis gets so excited as Whacky runs off in fear. Haggis turns on the TV. Announcer: And now... Boys and girls, it's time for The Scotsman! Starring... Haggis MacHaggis! Haggis: That's me. Announcer: Created by Haggis MacHaggis. Haggis: nodding Me, me! Announcer: Written, Directed, Produced ,Arranged and Composed by... Haggis MacHaggis! Haggis: his chest That's me! Me! ME!!! Salesman: And here's Haggis in this week's episode... The Scotsman Beats His Dog! bonks his dog Whacky on TV. The audience was cheering and the certain closes. Haggis laughs. Haggis: WHACK! his lamp Salesman: And now, some scenes for next week episode, The Scotsman beats his lawyer! was bonking his dog wearing a fedora hat and holding a briefcase on TV. Haggis laughs really hard. His butler Marvin looks at Haggis. Haggis: I'm such a card! laughs Marvin: Duhh, I'm ready to serve your tea now, Mr. Haggis. Haggis: WHO'S THE FUNNIEST CARTOON ON TV, HUH?!? Marvin: Duhhhhh, Rodney and Boowinky! gives a shocked look, growls and prepares to beat up Marvin... Salesman: We interrupt this program to inform you, The Scotsman Show is hereby cancelled FOREVER! Ren and Stimpy Show intro is now on TV We now bring you, The All-new... Ren & Stimpy Show! Haggis: WHAT?!? watches the show's intro for a few seconds and changes the channel News Reporter: Tonight, we exploring the phenomenon of Ren and Sti- change the channel to Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy. Announcer: Okay, space fans, It's Commander Hoek and Cadet Sti- change the channel to Stimpy with shaving cream on his tongue. Stimpy: You know folks, nothing beats the closeness of new raspberry flavored Foam-Ex shave cream... Haggis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Lies! Deceit! BLASPHEMY!!! It cannot be true! YOU DUSTY CROOKS!! TASTE THE WRATH OF THE MAGIC SHILLELAGH!!! destroys the TV with his club and it blows up. Haggis pants. I'm not stand from it, I tell ya! They'll RUE the day they crossed Haggis MacHaggis, THE KING OF CARTOONS!!! laughs You can run, but you can't hide! I'm coming for ya! opens the door and slams Haggis. Salesman: Welcome to your new home, boys! and Stimpy are arrive the new home. I'm sure you boys will enjoy it here. Especially of the foul stench of that filthy little SHEEP HERDER who lived here when it's gone. Haggis: WHY YOU NUFFIN' CROOK! YOU'RE RAT-FACED NINNY, I'LL RIP YOUR BISCUIT OUT!!! GET BACK HERE, I'LL TELL YA! GET BACK HERE! I KILL IT OFF! I KILL YA- Stimpy: Hey Ren, he reminds me of you. was angry and he punches Stimpy on the throat. Salesman: What? You're still here? Haggis: growls WHY YOU- covers Haggis' mouth. Salesman: giggles Just a little leftover house cleaning. Come here, you. Haggis: Unhand me, ya hairy back bull-weasel! I'll tear your eyes out! I ripped your freakin' HALALALAL!! Salesman: Yes, excuse me, Mr. Haggis, but we need you to be comfortable say uhh... OUT IN THE STREET!!! throws the Haggis MacHaggis out into the street Haggis: YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH! hardly I'm a highly-paid television celebrity! You won't stand from it! Ohhh, don't make me cry! I'll punch on your hand, you know I'll tell bank robbers! I'll... I'll... I'LL RIP YOUR FACES OFF!!! sobs Now you guttin' done it! You make me CRY-Y-Y!! crying, sighs Nay... Get a hold of yourself, Haggis! How do you not a MAN!? Are you not wearing a dress? I've got to think of a solution! happy I'VE GOT IT! A trillions of a royalist fans will come to my rescue! I'll wander into and scoop off a whole bunch of them! YOU'LL NOT BE HERE IN THE LAST OF ME! I SHALL RETURN! offscreen, fades to the street There no good filthy welshmen, not even for luck. I'll stop 'em. gibberish I'll show them making me hand. the people are laughing because The Ren & Stimpy Show was so funny. Men: LOOK AT THAT! people laughs OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME! Haggis: gasps Me royal fans! They're watching me show! was shocked by The Ren and Stimpy Show. All of TV was on The Ren & Stimpy Show. STOP! They're crooks, I tell ya! HEY, DON'T LOOK AT THAT! STOP! NOOOO!! look at the viewers, Haggis slide down. The peoples grab Haggis. All the Peoples: unison with a slight musical rhythm Beat it, shrimp, you're blocking our views the Peoples kicks Haggis out. The Bus sign says "Read Ren and Stimpy The Novel" stops. Haggis was about to pull off and all the people are running by Haggis. The bus drives off. Haggis gasps. Ren and Stimpy Movie in 3-D is now in the movie theater. Haggis looked shockingly at a billboard with Stimpy advertising Gritty Kitty. Haggis looked up in the sky. The clouds has shaped by Ren and Stimpy. Haggis screams from anger. Boy: Hey Mister, Look what I've got! got Ren and Stimpy underwear Haggis: Oh yeah? I'll show you what we do with PANTSIES! gives the underwear and rips off Boy: HEY DAD, HELP!!! Fire Chief: SO, A circus midget, EH!? I'm looking forward to THIS for a long time! Chief whacks the Haggis offscreen Take this, and THIS! AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?!? YOU WANT SOME OF THESE!? laughs OH, AND HERE'S YOUR CHANGE! laughs to the park, Haggis was walking of sadness. Haggis' stomach growls, Haggis groans Haggis: Oh, me belly... i haven't eaten in weeks. notices an old lady feeding the pigeons. Haggis drools happily at the sight of food. The pigeons are enjoying the birdseed, along with Haggis, who appears to be just the pigeons' size and shape. Pigeon: AHE-HEM! looks at the lead pigeon, smiles and stands up as the other pigeons get ready to beat him up as sleazy gangster music plays Come on, let's have it. Cough it up. pigeon forces Haggis to spit the birdseed out. That's better. tries to nonchalantly walk away, but the lead pigeon grabs him and pulls him back. Pigeons are punching Haggis offscreen and so Old Lady onscreen. Old Lady: Let Me in there, I want some! Lady smacks her purse at Haggis. Fades to the castle, Stimpy is playing with. Ren is reading a book with "CENSORED" on the cover while wearing a smoking jacket, fez and spectacles. Ren: You know Stimpy, this is a good life. A warm snifter of Root beer, a nice big comfy chair, and my favorite book of Chalsor. Stimpy: Yeah Ren, it's great! PARRY! EN GARDE! THRUST! laughs TOUCHE! CABANEE! ABONDUNZAH! sword rips the butler Marvin's clothes off. Marvin looks at the viewers sadly. Stimpy's sword rips Ren's book. FATIMIYAH! to the dinner. Ren: Stimpy hon, be a good lad and pass the salt. Stimpy: Duhh, okay Ren. was waiting and growls Ren: Hurry up, man! was walking it on the table with his chicken on his leg. Stimpy: Duhhh, here's the salt, Ren! Ren: It's about time, Dimwit. accidentally spills a lot of salt on his chicken. Ren notices this and slaps Stimpy. YOU FAT BLOATED EEDIOT! Stimpy YOU WORM!! Stimpy YOU STEUPID DOG! Stimpy YOU FAT, THROWBACK! to the evening, where it's raining and thundering outside. Haggis stands in front of an antique store, looking at a Scotsman Doll being sold for free. Haggis then sees a mysterious Stranger in a trenchcoat and fedora hat walk into the store. The Stranger gives a large wad money to the shopkeeper and points to the Scotsman Doll. The shopkeeper gets the Doll for him, to Haggis's delight. The Stranger looks around and zips out of the store. Haggis: HERE! HOLD ON, LAD! Stranger goes into a dark alleyway with the Scotsman doll. Haggis follows the Stranger into the alley and hides behind some trash cans, and watches as the Stranger rips off his disguise to reveal the dog Whacky! A random praying mantis appears on Whacky's shoulder. Haggis: Whacky! Me favorite ol' doggy boy. up joyfully a flashback, Haggis whacks the dog. Back in reality, Whacky looks at Scotsman doll and reminisces, but then gets a crazed look! Whacky rips the Scotsman doll to pieces and stomps on the ground in a rage, and laughs maniacally. Haggis gets scared. Whacky glares and snarls at Haggis, who away. Haggis: NOOOOOO!!! stops in the middle of the street and pants, and just misses getting hit by a car, splashing a puddle of rainwater Haggis Muddy Mudskipper: the car WHY DONCHA LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YA LOUSY BUM!! walks in sadness. The scene changes to a large bridge, Haggis is looking at the river as a menacing guitar chord is heard. Haggis: That's it.. that's all. I'll just END it all! maniacally But... me shoes. them off and holds him up I'll be missing ya, ya little toe tootsies. his shoes and puts them back on a strong gust of wind blows, sending quite a few things flying, even a cow! A newspaper flies into Haggis's face, and Haggis notices it reading "Got Problems? Call RENT-A-THUG" and the picture of a giant muscular thug about to beat up an IRS man. And the bottom line says "For that dirty job you need done fast... and below that is "...CHEAP!!!". Haggis gets really excited Haggis: HA! I'LL HAVE ME REVENGE AT LAST!! laughs They'll be sorry. offscreen scene changes to the Rent-A-Thug business. Haggis looks at the different thugs available, and chooses a Two-For-One deal on two large muscular guys. After that, we see Haggis driving the thugs with a lot of weapons in a convertible. Haggis laughs. Haggis: It's use is about to cry, you weasely rat biters! laughs to Big Time Studios. Ren and Stimpy walk inside to their adoring fans. Little Girl: an autograph book Oh Mr. Stimpy, can I give my autograph? Stimpy: a Curly-esque tone Certainly. inhales and barfs a hairball into the autograph book and closes it, handing it to the Little Girl. Little Girl: Oh boy! Thanks, Mr. Stimpy. Scotman's car stops in front of the Big Time Studios, smashing another car in front. Haggis and the thugs enter, and sneak to the backstage area. Haggis looks at the crew members, and gives a look at Ren and Stimpy's dressing room door maniacally. Two female stylists are shampooing Ren and combing Stimpy's hairs. The thugs grab the women and whisk them away. Ren: Well, hurry up! I'm getting shampoo in my eyes. thugs poorly disguise themselves as the stylists and one starts pulling hard on Ren's scalp as the other sloppily applies lipstick on Stimpy's lips. Ren slaps the thug's head HEY SISTER! EASY WITH THAT... weakly Huh? thugs tower over Ren and Stimpy. It cuts to outside the dressing room as we hear the ensuing scuffle. The scene changes to the crew members bound and gagged, with Ren and Stimpy wrapped to a boom pole in duct tape. Haggis: laughs Now I'll show you some REAL entertainment. the mic And now, Laddies and gentlewomens! It's time for The Ben and Stumpy Show! show begins, with Ben and Stumpy as crude sock puppet imitations of Ren and Stimpy, operated by the two thugs. Ben: reciting You i-di-iot, I will hurt you. Stumpy: Duhhhh... barfs out a "hairball." Ben: out eyes ARRGH! You are fat! Haggis: Now that's acting! slams a hammer on Stumpy, and Haggis laughs You're finished! FINIIIISHED!!! audience cheers wildly as the curtains close. Haggis comes up to the thugs and their puppets. Salesman: WOW!! YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC! the following to them... Here's a contract! Here's a million bucks! HERE'S AN EMMY!!! laughs even more and nods "Yes" to Ren and Stimpy, but the Salesman notices him. HUH!? What are you doing here? I fired your butt! Now BEAT IT, ya losers! kicks Haggis, Ren and Stimpy out of the Big Time Studios. A limo splashes mud at Haggis, Ren and Stimpy. Haggis and Ren): WHAT THE... beautiful ladies, Ben and Stimpy are inside the limo with their money and Emmy award. The limo drives off. Then we dissolve to Haggis, Ren and Stimpy sitting on a dock. Ren and Stimpy was eating cans and glass bottles. Haggis sobs. Haggis whacks Ren and Stimpy Haggis: Don't make me cry! cries irises out on Haggis. Category:Episode Transcripts